Ya know when John got that email from his brother I told him not to respond, especially since he was so incredibly riled up about it. He did anyway, as you saw. To which his brother responded, to which John responded...you get the picture. So it's just been this train of petty punches and angry rants back and forth and I'm really just so very tired of it all. It makes me sad to see how quickly John can be pulled down to their level and it's time consuming and energy lapping and emotionally draining. He however seems to think it's (I don't know if this is the right word) entertaining? He doesn't seem bothered that this is the only communication he's had with his brother in many months (after his brother swore to never call or write again) and that this is how communication as picked back up again. I feel bad for him because it's so very un-John like to be so angry and hurt and vengeful. John, if you knew him, is a very kind, very laid back go with the flow kind of guy. Not much bothers him, even when it greatly bothers me John will just be like "So what? Let them think what they want..." well okay so as hard as it was I stopped caring. Occasionally I want to explain, defend, correct and then I stop and think, why? Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me. I'm not big on forgiveness, that's just me. I don't like getting hurt and if I can avoid it I will. There are some people in life that are worth forgiveness and that risk of being hurt don't get me wrong, but there are many who are not. So for John to feel so angry still, months later and to actually play their game willingly is very disturbing to me.
Of course I'm dragged into it because in Ray's eyes I'm essentially the root of all evil. John and I can't be two separate people with two minds who sometimes think alike, if John does or says anything unkind it must be me, my fault, my doing, my encouraging. It's nauseating. Maybe he doesn't see that John is just tired of being kicked around, maybe John has reached the end of his rope with patientce and understanding and is now standing up for himself. No that can't possibly be it, it must just be me rubbing off on him. And it really annoys me (which knowing they annoy me annoys me more haha) that they pretend to know me. I've met them once and the rest they "know" of me is back handed gossip from Michele, so to claim to know me, in any light, is a farse...I wish they'd stop. I wish they'd find something else to do with their time, their lives than to stalk my blogs, my social networking pages, my life. If you hate me oh so much, why do you continue to engage in my life, even if you try to do it secretly? Why do my decisions effect you so much, how do they effect you so much? Life is short, if you don't like what you're reading, then don't read it. Choose to spend your time other ways, read a good book, take a walk, call a friend...do something constructive and that makes you happy instead of something destructive that makes you unhappy...and while you're at it, leave me the hell alone.
The whole problem with people is ... they know what matters, but they don't choose it... The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters.
--The Secret Life Of Bees
