Okay we all have that thought of "if anything ever happened to him how would I survive?" You love your significant other so much, that the thought of life with out them is nearly unthinkable. It never really crosses your mind until you read or hear some tragic news about some one else (it's always capable of happening to someone else, but never you) losing their love and for a few minutes you think "I'd die, I'd just die with him/her if anything every happened." Because honestly how does life continue when your heart is ripped from your chest?
Monday June 29th, just two days post baby, John, the kids and I ventured out to dinner and then to Target to get a few needed things for George. Dinner was great, the food delicious and the kids pretty well behaved. During dinner John started looking a little tired maybe....but more than tired just something didn't seem right. So I kept asking him "are you sure you feel okay?" And he'd smile and nod and just say he was tired. Something in my gut didn't buy it but I pushed it aside. He was leaning back against the booth like and was very relaxed and distant not very talkative which is very un-John like.
We left dinner and headed to Target, again he just didn't look good and I told him that we could just go home and do Target another time but he was insistent on going. We get to the store and get everyone in and he says he wants to go look at something and he'll meet me in the baby section. VERY un-John like, he hates splitting up in the store and we always always always stick together. I even asked if he was sure and volunteered to go with him but he was positive he'd be quick and thought I'd enjoy the time with out the older two to look at the baby stuff. So he headed to electronics and I headed to the baby department.
I browsed a bit, found what I was looking for and then headed down through toys (because with our two you always get suckered into walking through toys) because I was sure that's where I'd find them. Toys was much too quiet, where were they? Then I heard Andraya's voice and saw Ben tagging along behind her...but no John. Right then I knew something was wrong and my blood drained to my feet. Maybe it's intuition but I just felt paniced and asked Andraya where daddy was. "oh he's sitting over here" and pointed back to their seasonal section that still had lawn furniture in it. As we get closer I see John slouched back in a chair and he's GHOST white and it looks as though some one has dumped a bucket of water on him. He is glistening with sweat, his clothes are drenched and he's just looking at me so oddly. "John are you okay?" my voice quivers. He whispers so softly "I'm just so hot and dizzy, I don't know what happened, if I could just get a fan on me I know I'd be better..." but again, I know that's bs, it's more than that but John's trying not to scare me so he's not being honest. There are no fans or plug ins to be found so I grab a clearence sign and start to fan him. He closes his eyes and tells me how good that feels. My whole body is buzzing, somethings not right. I try in vein to convince him to let me take him to immeadiate care center or the hospital, I want him to see his doctor. John refuses, keeps saying he'll be fine "give me a minute".
At this point I'm desperate, I call one of my best friends Amberly (she's an RN) and I quiz her about his symptoms and give him his history (he's on medication for high blood pressure) and we both agree that maybe he has low bp or low bs. I get off the phone with her and take a stand and inform John that I'm taking him to the er wheather he like it or not. At this point he caves (and he's stopped opening his eyes now too) and admits that he can't stand up, he doesn't think he can walk to the front of the store. My mind is racing, how the hell am I gonna get him out of the store if he can't stand up!? By this time he just looks worse, I can't explalin it but I'm beginning to think to myself "oh god he's dying, he's having a stroke right here in front of me and I'm going to lose him" I'm freaking out in my head and trying to remain calm for him and the kids (who by the way, and maybe even thankfully, are completely oblivious to the whole situation, they're running wild through lawn and garden and toys) Okay I'll call Jessy to come help me, she can take the kids or John but it's obvious I need another person, so I call and she is a SAINT and drops everything (she was in the middle of making dinner, in jammies) and comes out to Target (about 15 minutes). In the time it takes her to get there though, John has started vomiting, violently. That's it John I'm calling an ambulance so I call 911 just as a woman who (GOD BLESS HER) asks if I need help, she's an RN. She comes over (ugh makes me cry) and talks to John asks him all the questions I'd been asking me; do you have any chest pain? Pain in left arm? Problems breathing? etc... She takes his pulse "He has a nice strong steady heart beat" John is having a hard time responding, it's a bit lagged as he keeps getting sick and he just looks exhausted. He admits he feels very weak. I know things are really bad when John stops leaning forward to the side to get sick, his head falls to the side and he lays back and continues to get sick on himself. I'm crying, shaking and talking to the operator on the phone who has dispatched an ambulance. A security gaurd and police officer show up, carrying a diffibulator (that was just scary to see, awesome that they had one don't get me wrong, but very scary for me to SEE) they put on gloves and again ask the same questions the nurse and I had asked. A few target employee's came and assited the paramedics in finding us and clean up...they were amazing. They get John on the gurney just as Jessy arrives (all that happened in 15 minutes) John is out of it, won't open his eyes, continuing to get sick as they try to move him. He asks me to get his wallet and keys so I can take the van and take the kids home and then meet him at the hospital (it was PAINFUL not to be able to go with him). I ditch my cart and take the kids to the van with Jessy and race home.
Jessy and Shaun watched the kids for a bit while I went to the hospital to be with John, unfortunatly I couldn't stay the entire time (but he was released an hour or so later after I left) because they had to get home so I had to come home to be with my kids obviously. Thankfully it was nothing serious. I say that not because what happened wasn't serious but that it wasn't a heart attack or stroke etc. John himself admits he thought he was dying, he thought "this is it, god let it be quick and painless" he was really scared. It is benign (meaning not serious) positional virtigo. He has medicine on him (and I keep some on me) in case the symptoms ever start up again, which they can randomly at any given time, he takes that medicine and it'll stave off the dizziness and vomiting. It's the same stuff they gave him at the hospital that knocked him out for a bit but made it go away essentially.
I was pretty calm, I did cry but I remained calm and in control the entire time. When I got home though and he was still at the hospital and the kids were asleep and Shaun and Jessy had gone, I sat down and lost it. I cried so hard I shook, I heaved, I sobbed and prayed like I'd never prayed before, on my KNEES, on the floor, I begged and pleaded and bartered for his safety for his health for our family. I have never been so scared in all my life, I have never felt so helpless and so alone than watching my strong amazing Johnny crumble before my eyes. I didn't let myself think the worst, it would start to creep in and I'd push it back, I'd scream in my head HE'S NOT DYING SO STOP THINKING LIKE THAT! For those brief seconds though my heart stopped, it dropped to the floor and shattered into a million little pieces. Not just for me, but for our babies as well. I'd look at our sleeping babies, their peaceful faces and pray that they wouldn't grow up with out a father. I thought about how unfair it was for life to feel so perfect after George was born and to so quickly be poisoned like this. Time has never moved so slow, I have never known such fear or pain as I did that day and I will never forget it either. I'm still haunted by the images of that night, of his shivering body lying in the hospital bed, of him being so weak and pale and imobile....
Since then he's been fine. I made him rest, and not just take it easy but still do a few things, I mean he stayed in bed for two whole days and then lounged on the couch or in bed for another two. He tried to do some work three days later (even though i told him not to) and while going down the stairs he felt dizzy and had to sit down, hauled his butt back to bed! It took about a week for him to recover, to gain back his energy. No symptoms or episodes since, fingers crossed it never happens again...EVER. He set up a follow up appt with his doctor (which he didn't want to do! "what is he gonna tell me that's new?" well I don't know but you're going!)
So I've had to face the unthinkable, the thing we never really let cross our minds or believe will happen to us. It has changed my life, honestly. I value him so much more, I find a lot more joy in the little things, I savor the moments we have together, we cuddle more, we love more, we talk more, I let things slide, I choose my battles more wisely :0) I don't let myself get annoyed at the dumb things. I know it's been only two weeks but it feels like a lifetime. I will NEVER get over this, I will never forget it, it will never fade from my memory or be lost in the jumble of the normal day to day things of life. Life is PRECIOUS and SHORT, don't take it for granted.
